If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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