We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
