Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
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