Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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