saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Randomize
