I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
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