can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Randomize
