I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
