I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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