You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
Randomize
