How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
Randomize
