i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
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