Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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