new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Randomize
