Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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