mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
