pedialite and red bull = repair kit
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
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