just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Randomize
