A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
It's cool dude. The dank is in the form of premade smores with honey grahm crackers, marshmallow cream and 420 brand choc. bars. NV weed laws have nothing on me.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Randomize
