Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
