you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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