my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Randomize
