i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
Green mimosas i think yes
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
