Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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