there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
Randomize
