No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
I think my nap took me to another dimension
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Randomize
