She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
Randomize
