just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
I checked into jail on foursquare
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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