She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
