I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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