Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
