My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Randomize
