Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
Randomize
