I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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