I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
