u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
