dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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