you want to go make fun of the strippers on try out night
i got kicked out last time for laughing
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
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