yeah i was sneaking up to her room and on the way i saw a picture of her and left
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
