the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
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