quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Randomize
