man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Randomize
