I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize
