I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
