no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
i was born a porn star she said
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
Randomize
