No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
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