I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
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