you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
This beer is not sobering me up at all
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
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