Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
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