i wish there were pregnant emoticons
are any of them hardcore sluts...just absolute worthless human beings? if not the paper wins
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Randomize
