my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
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