i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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