I skipped work to stalk him.
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Randomize
