Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Randomize
