Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
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