I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
