there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Randomize
